On Freedoms and Back Pain

It started 10 years ago when I fell off an obstacle in Army training.

I landed square on my back and was bedridden for 3 days.  I suppose I was lucky at the time, but that incident combined with 10 years of various military duties took a toll.

I can't remember if I mentioned I finally went in for physical therapy and an MRI after I realized my "I can work through the pain" days ended.  I got to a point this year where I could no longer do simple things without serious ramifications:  mow the lawn, rake leaves, even stoop down to grab something under the sink (thankfully I can still perform... other functions.  I'll leave it at that).  I no longer enjoyed physical activity because everything hurt--even a simple hike could leave my back spasmed.

The MRI didn't go well.

The doc rattled off some mumbo jumbo which I barely understood, but still sounded ominous.  In jest, I asked him, "so you're telling me I shouldn't of been able to walk in the office?"

In all seriousness, the doc replied, "actually, you're doing much better than you should be based on the results."

Here's the short of it:  I have three fully herniated disks ("fully" as in they pop out anywhere they friggin' want) and a hole running vertically through three of my vertebrae.  My lower vertebrae and all the associated nerves are basically being constantly bathed in caustic disk fluid.  In other words, I've got serious problems.

How serious?  If I don't get it fixed, either the three hollowed vertebrae are going to split down the middle like firewood, or the freely moving disks and fluid are going to permanently damage my nerves and leave me partially paralyzed.  The irony is the physical activity that causes me so much pain is what's kept my core strong and thus left me relatively healthy, whereas a sedentary person with similar issues and age would've been all but immobilized at this point.

So I have two options:  steroid shots, which will dramatically reduce the swelling and caustic effects and encourage healing; and surgery to replace the disks.  Either way, there's only a 50% chance they can fix me, and even if they do I'll probably NEVER have full relief.  And if they can't fix me, my Air Force career may be in jeopardy.   The good news is I'd get kicked out with full disability pay and bennies, but the bad news is... well, I don't want to get out!  I want to make it to twenty years and get the t-shirt.  Not to mention I'm not psychologically prepared for a "disabled" label.

I'm only 33, folks--34 tomorrow, in fact.  Yet I'm shambling around my home and work like a cripple.  Some days the pain's manageable, other days the Hummingbird literally has to help me dress.  And even if the pain's low on the Richter scale, I still feel resistance when I try to flex my back, even for simple things like leaning on a desk to get a piece of paper.  After years of hoping it would go away I had to break down and tell the military I was spent physically and down in the dumps mentally.  There was talk of sending me to the shrink, but even the doc could see my low morale was entirely pain-based, not mental in nature.  If they can fix me body, the mind should get fixed with it.

All that said, if given a chance to enlist all over again 12 years ago knowing the physical damage I'd sustain, I'd do it all over again.  Sometimes people take stand for causes without truly understanding the costs.  My causes are freedom of speech and religion, and I know the costs all too well now.  But unlike the warriors who take the fight to the enemy and come home with battle scars and purple hearts, I'm one of the typical servicemen who simply sustain injuries from training accidents and other mundane "peacetime" actions.  No medal awaits me, or cool decal for my car, or free beer at the local VFW.  At my current condition all I can expect is a pension and anonymous, slow and painful physical degradation for quietly doing service to my constitution.  But in my mind, it'll be 20 years well-spent fighting for something I believe in, and damned the costs.

So the moral of my story?  Aside for probably being a surprising personal tale for my longtime readers, this is not an attempt at garnering pity or condolences (although I'll gladly accept beer).  Rather, I want you to ask yourself deep down what you believe in, and ask yourself if your willing to accept the costs. 

I've made my decision.

Comments

[morealyera]

Where there's a will, there's a way... and it sounds like you have dedication and perseverance in spades. I hope that all works out well and you will be able to prove that doctor wrong with a full, and speedy, recovery.

Congratulations on your conviction. It's inspiring.

[Tom]

Go first with the steroids & see if you could get fitted with a brace to limit your back flexing around to let the tissues heal. Surgery should be a last resort - several of my co-workers have had back surgery, and none of them is back to 100% (although the pain was reduced, the mobility wasn't)

Regardless, your service to this country, combat related or not, will always be appreciated by this blogger.

Get well, & keep fighting the right fight!!

[C-Chan]

Happy Birthday!!

[canuckistani]

Your will and perseverance are admirable, but it's time to put your health first. We want our Pigeon to be able to sit upright at the computer riffing on topics with your brilliance for years to come.

Yes, it's worth it. I'm exploring a major career change that may even cost me my life if I choose that route. To me, it wouldn't be work, but a calling. So I have an understanding of your pride in your physical sacrifices for your country, it indeed was worth it and your country is richer for your doing so. Besides, you're only in your early thirties. There may be an advance in medicine come about in the decades to come that will alleviate your condition entirely.

And Happy Birthday!

[MOGS]

You know we're there for you man.